The lie of the empty cup
A different take on a common self-help mantra and what might be causing your best laid self-care plans to go off track.
“You can’t pour from an empty cup”
quote attributed to every self-help author ever (including me 🙈).
Typically, this quote is used to encourage self-care, and the intention behind it is solid. You do need to take care of yourself 💯. You are important. Your needs matter. You deserve to be cared for. Full stop.
However, I think the saying isn’t entirely true for two reasons:
First, People give what they don’t have (for themselves) all the time - especially to others. We give time, grace, attention, space, love, focus, energy, etc. Whether joyfully or begrudgingly we find ways to do for others what we will not do for ourselves.
I’ve yet to meet the person who can say “No, sorry, I can’t” when it comes to someone or something they care about. I’d wager that even those of us who can say “No”, typically offer help anyway in the form of a suggestion, delegation, or alternative. We may not physically or emotionally available, but dang if we won’t try.
So is the cup empty?
That leads me to point number two. I don’t think we suffer from a lack of anything in our cups. They are probably over-full; adding anything else is just asking for a mess. Which is likely the reason we feel empty in the first place.
How can we possibly fit self-care, workouts, creative pursuits, or anything else in our overcrowded lives? Oh, we will try, but if anything else demands our attention or time those are the first things to go.
It’s easy to rationalize this - the other thing is more important. It would be selfish, irresponsible, or wrong to take that time to do something frilly. Right?
Maybe… or maybe we have too many things in our cups.
Here’s what I know: when you want something different/new you make room for it. You create space.
Space is what separates clutter from collections.
There are real limits in our lives - energy, money, square-footage, time, etc. And we are hard-wired to desire more. There’s nothing wrong with desire, by the way. As long as you have the desire and it doesn’t have you.
So what do we do? Well most of the time, we let go of the old in order to make room for the new. When you’ve outgrown a job, you let it go and do something else. When you’re done with a college course, you clear your schedule for new ones. Most people leave old cars or houses behind when they get new ones. And they do it without regret.
And then there’s everything else we’ve been hoarding: beliefs, commitments, relationships, who we used to be, expectations…
We can’t do/be/have more if we won’t let go of what we’ve outgrown.
So let’s go Marie Kondo on our shit. Take an inventory of everything in your cup, curate what you’d like to keep, and then thank everything else that isn’t “sparking joy” anymore and let it go.
Space in your cup isn’t a sign that you’re not doing “enough”. It’s a sign that you’re ready for something more. You are making space for what’s next.
You can do anything you want to do - but you can’t do everything all at the same time.
Funsies
These journals by Emily Ley - I’m not a rep, just a fan. For my fellow stationery enthusiasts, these are worth the price tag.
Current song obsession - First Burn. I am not willing to admit (or try to count) how many times this song has played on repeat recently.
And for your entertainment - whatever this is.
Recent Reads
The Wishing Game - A Wonka-esque game on a private island played by former runaway children where the prize is the only copy of a new book by a mega famous children’s author. Super cute read sprinkled with fabulous quotes.
The Body Keeps the Score - the best book on trauma I’ve ever read. It’s heavy and kind of long, but the topic deserves this kind of attention. The first half is a deep dive into the various ways trauma impacts people. Second half is a comprehensive of treatment options that aren’t just “take two and call me in the morning” or “talk to someone”.
The God of the Woods - a 13 year old girl goes missing from summer camp and we get to hear from all sorts of side characters. I’m a total sucker for a missing person’s case and this was extra fun because we don’t get to hear from the missing girl, the camp director, or the head investigator. Instead we get different peaks into the situation from her cabin leader, bunkmate, mother, etc.
Librarians make shhhh happen.
Nikki